(This photo was taken in February 2006. This was our second date. On our first date,  I was too busy worrying if had bad breath, something in my nose or if I was sweating to bother taking pictures.)

Dating. I have done my share of it. I have had blind dates, almost blind dates, prom dates, awkward dates, disappearing dates, boyfriend dates and even… sigh… tried online dating.

That last one was a disaster. I would like to say it is because of them, but I cannot. People lie on their online dating profiles all the time. I would say I never lied, but I did use a picture that was about ten years old. It was a really great picture and my hair was pretty much the same. I was, however, about 5… um 10, yikes, maybe 15… pounds lighter. I showed myself in the most positive light possible. I guess you are supposed to do that, right?  At the end of the day, I don’t think anyone on a dating site is being completely forthright.

All of that said, that dating experience was before I got married. Yes, because when you get married, or even date for a number of years, you can’t really “date” anymore. At least, that is the way I guess I always thought about it. Sure, married couples go out to dinner and take in a movie, but those awkward little dating moments are gone. “Does he like Italian? I do, I mean, he suggested a Japanese steakhouse, but that heat will jack up my hair and makeup, with its accompanying greasy humidity. But, if I say no, then I will be high maintenance. I do not want that. What was I thinking about Italian? Hello? Garlic. What if I want to kiss him later? Oh, dear, I just suggested the slasher movie and his nose wrinkled. Maybe something was in his eye. Oh, he wants to see a romantic comedy? What? Is he just saying that because I am a chick and he assumes that’s what I really want to see?”

When married, you know all of these answers, right? He knows I don’t really like the steakhouse. I know he won’t touch Thai. We agree on pizza, but the toppings are different on each side. He will never watch a slasher flick or a romantic comedy. He likes the deep, thought provoking stuff. We watch a lot of sports. Then we argue about teams and coaches. It’s familiar and comfortable. Sometimes, I think those two words have a romance squashing effect on our psyches.

Here is the thing: every time I have a date with my husband, I learn something about him I never knew. We set these outings up as dates, and we treat them like dates. He inevitably, will smile that smile and the light will hit those blue-green eyes just the right way, and I am suddenly back to the first time I saw him, really saw him, and thought, “He is so hot.” We bicker, push buttons and we laugh. I have never walked away from one of our married-people-dates feeling like we wasted our time. In fact, it is all time very well spent.

Truth be told, if I wrote a book about love, it would most likely be titled “Don’t Do What I Did”. That was actually going to be the name of my one-day-to-be-published self-help book. I guess it could be called “Don’t Do What I Did, II (How to Make a Perfectly Rational Person Never Want to Date Again)”.   I do know one thing for certain, if you do not take the time to nurture a relationship, it will not grow. The bloom will be off the rose.

I know how it is. We get busy. There are things to get done around the house. There are bills and responsibilities and, for some couples, kids. The relationship, the friendship, the “this is why I love this guy” moments, are important too. Life is hard. Your spouse can be your refuge, no matter how much you may want to choke them sometimes.

Don’t just go out to dinner, see a movie or a concert. Go on a date. Set a time and pick a place- just the two of you. You do not have to spend a lot of money. Spend the time. Put down the phone, look at this person you chose to be with, and focus on them.

My husband still roots for the wrong college teams. He leaves crumbs all over the counter. He forgets to take pens, gum and sharp things out of his pockets before he puts his pants in the laundry. But, when we are together, away from the house, just the two of us, even when he is talking about the wrong team, he is my boyfriend again. We are on a date. Sometimes, I even get butterflies. Most of the time he gets a kiss goodnight. He always gets another date.