I know a lot of people have a tough time during the Thanksgiving/Christmas season because they lost loved ones. This is my holiday, I suppose. Easter week is usually tough for me. I lost my Grandfather Cam the day after Easter, after spending that entire week watching him slowly devoured by the final stages of cancer. Taurus, THE dog who sparked my passion for the entire, amazing canine species, was shot and killed by my crazy neighbor, just days before Easter.  My robustly healthy, vibrant, smart, sassy Grandmother Edith lost her battle with cancer just days before Easter. This year, while the hurt is still there,  the season is different for me.

My failed attempt at sticking to a self-inflicted Lent kind of had me feeling down on myself.  In fact, a friend asked me today how my Lent has been. She wondered if I had any sort of epiphany. I said no, and beat up on myself a little, using some of my traditional snarky, self-defeating lingo, “I suck…” blah, blah, blah. It is so easy to just say, “I suck”, and throw this Lent experiment into the “failed attempts” junk drawer- er, closet- in my psyche. How convenient. I could even pull a, “well, this is the saddest time of the year” card out of my back pocket. I could. I will not.

I guess I have had my epiphany. I decided, on a whim, to take a crack at Lent. I had perfect fodder for a few blog posts, to get me back in the habit of posting regularly. It was to be yet another start in my revolving door of fits and starts with this thing, followed by another, “what the heck happened” post, riddled with chippy, one-liners. I am not going to do it this time. If it seems like I am doing it, I am not.

I guess I have had my epiphany. What the heck happened was, I started yet another “thing” with great intentions, but zero drive and no honest desire. More than that, I started without a real plan. This was not really about giving up my favorite snacks to show some contrived empathy for  what Jesus suffered. At least, I know that can’t really be what this whole thing is about. Right? While not eating white bread and chocolate cake, etc. may feel like I am being tortured, it is hardly a crucifixion. Perhaps that is the real story here. We make these things- things that are not even really good for us- so important in our lives, when they really aren’t. The whole torture of giving them up is all in our minds. This stuff is important because we make it that way.

Life is what is really important. How did I live my life? How did I love? Did I give? Was I selfish? I think of the three significant lives that were snuffed out of my own, personal universe during this season, and I know that whether they were able to give up cupcakes or Milk Bones, for that matter, were not really what was on my mind after they were gone. Today I still remember them for how they lived. 

So, my dear friend Mary, in answer to your question: I guess I have had a moment of clarity. How am I living my life? I hope my only legacy will not be that I was not able to resist the divine temptations of simple carbohydrates during Lent. What is my life about? It seems like more of a question than an epiphany. For me it is still growth. It is a more enlightened question than, “does this bag of Dove chocolates make my butt look big?”

Thank God for small stuff- and it is all really small stuff. (I stole that last line)