“You are so talented, but you have no drive,” said my high school drama teacher, Virginia Hill.
I remember thinking, “what the hell does that even mean?”
Virginia was not the only person to say that, or something along those lines, during my formative years- or in my 20’s, 30’s or 40’s.
Who needs drive when things seem to fall into your lap? Plus, I was told in college, “C’s get degrees.” I had permission right there to just sort of hang and let it all flow. Groovy, right?
If you are someone who has busted your butt to achieve goals, you probably want to sock me in the eye right now. “What kind of ridiculous, BS blog is this, Leslie?”
Stay with me.
The world is full of “C’s get degrees” people. We are the ones who let you do most of the work on projects, then show up at the last-minute, frantic and trying to look useful. (note I said trying to “look”, not “be” useful)
There are a few things happening here. The last-minute effort, I can explain. I am guilty and have to work very hard at not being so completely self-absorbed that I actually honor commitments and put forth an honest effort to help.
I am not proud of this. My lifelong challenge will be to remember that it is not all about me. There, I said it. I am being honest.
But, not putting forth my best effort, not seeing what I could actually accomplish or contribute if I honestly tried my best is also partly selfish. I will always go out of my way to do something I want to do. Holy crap, I just re-read that last sentence, and I swear it is as if my father took over my hands and typed that himself.
The thing is, wanting to do something being a motivation to do my best is still not always enough. Crazy, isn’t it?
It turns out, fear often keeps me from doing my best. If I don’t give my all, then I can always say, “yeah, probably would have done that- won that, whatever the challenge was- better, but I didn’t really have time”, or whatever other excuse I can up with. That takes all of the egg off of my face and/or feelings of “failure” away, doesn’t it?
I am not saying I have consciously, all of my life, said to myself, “I am not going to try my best because, then if I fail, it will not feel as bad.”
No need to grab your notebook, Dr. Freud. I don’t think that I am a bad person because of any of this. I do not think that it is because my parents spanked me. (They let ’em do that in the 70’s and 80’s- usually after kids walked barefoot, through broken glass and snake-infested flood waters, to and from school.) I just am just human. I have flaws, just like everyone else.
So, when I finished weight training and a run this morning, and thought, “I am just going to give this everything and see what this does for me when I do that full marathon in February”, I got this twingey, awesome feeling. I am not going to let fear stand in my way. I am just going to do this- and give it my best effort.
I am not just going to take this approach with my health goals, I am going to make a real effort to notice all of the ways “C’s” are getting degrees in my life and lay down the law. Yes, if you wish, you can point out my selfish, narcissistic tendencies to me, when you spot them. *No need to tell me writing a blog is in that category- I’m painfully aware.
There is a new grading curve, and C’s only get the degree if they come from my best effort- not from how I do on my exam after a night of playing quarters with moonshine.
Love Your Life 
Are we related? Virginia Hill was always on my butt. She would tell my to stop daydreaming and start doing. Easier said then done lady. Very happy with my 2.7 G.P.A. from Woodlawn, I head out to LSU in General Studies. Still constantly daydreaming in an unrealistic present moment not once thinking of my future. Finally, “The Parents” step in and force me one night to sit on the sofa and tell them what I’m gonna be when I grow up. I give it a full minute of my attention and say I want to be an Interior Designer. So, I go the following day to the College of Design and am told they have a selective admissions process and they only take 38 people per year. They base their selection on an interview, portfolio, and G.P.A. Oh FUDGE!!!!!!! Somehow I squeak through the cracks and get in. Probably number 38. This group of students was the most extreme over achievers I had ever encountered. They lived in design lab working on projects all night long while I was at Fred’s enjoy dollar screwdrivers watching the sunset. I would stay up for days to complete projects because I was never doing what I was suppose to be doing. Well, I made it and graduated after 6 years later with a 3.5 G.P.A. (forced from the over achievers) Whew!!! I got a great job in Houston where I could actually get paid to daydream all day. I decorated model homes all over the country. I was spoiled rotten with a job I loved but after two years there came a big problem. I lived out of a suitcase and was paid pennies to work my butt of. Moved back to Baton Rouge, got married and worked at McKays Interiors where I got paid nothing to do nothing. A straight commission job that catered to Baton Rouge’s wealthiest. YECK!!! I had to pretend to be like them to get their business. It was down right depressing. My boss even made me join the Junior League to hangout with the rich. Then 14 years ago on August 31st I had my first child. I Kim Britt have been a complete under achiever since. I sit on the sofa daily trying to figure my life out and I get nowhere. Perhaps I should RUN…… Maybe even like Forrest Gump.
Wow, this is good stuff, Kim. Where have you been all of my life? Oh, yeah. We sort of grew up together. I was an underachiever at making friends, too. Writing this blog is the most ambitious thing I have done in…. ever. If I had ever taken the time to allow myself to discover my interests, I would have studied design. I love crafty stuff and decorating. Oh, wait, I like pinning crafty and decoraty stuff. I like thinking about doing this stuff. Virginia Hill was awfully unkind to so many dear, sweet girls in high school. That makes me sad. That said, I am going to allow her shrill voice to roar. I am going to make some of this stuff I am pinning. Then, I am gonig to back to school and become a veterinarian and a ballerina. Okay, I am going to do a craft. I think I should probably start with one of the ones I bought supplies for and have been storiing in the room over the garage- you know, the rooom I have been “meaning to” organize. I really do not want to be dead one day and have my neices go through my things and say, “wow, Aunt Leslie never finished anthing!” Time to get off my arse. xo
Wow-I can relate. I’ve been successful in spite of myself and often wonder where in life I would be if I wasn’t too scared to take “the more” that is out there for me. The thought of getting off my butt and actually doing is paralyzing. Darn you for the tears in my eyes right now. I hate insight. 😦
That being said I will cheer you on and maybe someday even stand up and do something about it. Keep writing. You spread hope.
Thank you for reading, and for the kind words, Beth! xo