God… I Think, and I Thank

April 18, 2014April 18, 2014 / leslietoldo.com / 2 Comments

I know a lot of people have a tough time during the Thanksgiving/Christmas season because they lost loved ones. This is my holiday, I suppose. Easter week is usually tough for me. I lost my Grandfather Cam the day after Easter, after spending that entire week watching him slowly devoured by the final stages of cancer. Taurus, THE dog who sparked my passion for the entire, amazing canine species, was shot and killed by my crazy neighbor, just days before Easter. My robustly healthy, vibrant, smart, sassy Grandmother Edith lost her battle with cancer just days before Easter. This year, while the hurt is still there, the season is different for me.

My failed attempt at sticking to a self-inflicted Lent kind of had me feeling down on myself. In fact, a friend asked me today how my Lent has been. She wondered if I had any sort of epiphany. I said no, and beat up on myself a little, using some of my traditional snarky, self-defeating lingo, “I suck…” blah, blah, blah. It is so easy to just say, “I suck”, and throw this Lent experiment into the “failed attempts” junk drawer- er, closet- in my psyche. How convenient. I could even pull a, “well, this is the saddest time of the year” card out of my back pocket. I could. I will not.

I guess I have had my epiphany. I decided, on a whim, to take a crack at Lent. I had perfect fodder for a few blog posts, to get me back in the habit of posting regularly. It was to be yet another start in my revolving door of fits and starts with this thing, followed by another, “what the heck happened” post, riddled with chippy, one-liners. I am not going to do it this time. If it seems like I am doing it, I am not.

I guess I have had my epiphany. What the heck happened was, I started yet another “thing” with great intentions, but zero drive and no honest desire. More than that, I started without a real plan. This was not really about giving up my favorite snacks to show some contrived empathy for what Jesus suffered. At least, I know that can’t really be what this whole thing is about. Right? While not eating white bread and chocolate cake, etc. may feel like I am being tortured, it is hardly a crucifixion. Perhaps that is the real story here. We make these things- things that are not even really good for us- so important in our lives, when they really aren’t. The whole torture of giving them up is all in our minds. This stuff is important because we make it that way.

Life is what is really important. How did I live my life? How did I love? Did I give? Was I selfish? I think of the three significant lives that were snuffed out of my own, personal universe during this season, and I know that whether they were able to give up cupcakes or Milk Bones, for that matter, were not really what was on my mind after they were gone. Today I still remember them for how they lived.

So, my dear friend Mary, in answer to your question: I guess I have had a moment of clarity. How am I living my life? I hope my only legacy will not be that I was not able to resist the divine temptations of simple carbohydrates during Lent. What is my life about? It seems like more of a question than an epiphany. For me it is still growth. It is a more enlightened question than, “does this bag of Dove chocolates make my butt look big?”

Thank God for small stuff- and it is all really small stuff. (I stole that last line)

Lent, Week 1 Down, Down…

March 13, 2014March 13, 2014 / leslietoldo.com / 2 Comments

Yes, I titled this with “down, down”. Yes I am hearing “Rock Lobster” in my head, right at the part where Fred Schneider is singing “down, down” and picturing people at one of my high school dances sinking to the floor.
How? Why? What? Yes, well, perhaps it has something to do a certain Nutella and pretzel scoops incident this week. Yes, I cheated on Lent. I made a promise to God and broke it. Does it really get much worse?
Actually, yes, it does. It does get worse. It happened more than once. But, it also gets worse than cheating on God. In fact, I did not cheat on God. I did not cheat on Lent. I simply cheated myself. I broke a promise. I am not hurting God. I hurt me.
While I explore all of the underlying meanings of this violation, I can laugh at myself.
Suddenly, it all makes sense to me.
My first thought was to pretend I never even started this stupid blog and just quit updating it.
“No,” I thought, “you have done that a bunch of times. You always come back to this, so some part of you wants to do this.”
Having established that I would, in fact, update this thing, I had to figure out how to finesse this whole “cheating” thing. My knee-jerk solution: just leave it out. Yes, a nice lie by omission. Nothing screams, “spiritual growth” like dishonesty.
So, here I am, telling on myself. I am getting back on the bike and pedaling. It is not exactly the first time in my life that I have started something, and gone off course, and simply swerved back on.
Something about not doing it perfectly makes it all sort of dirty in my mind- like a dress with a spot right in the middle of it. My first reaction is that my Lent is ruined.
Actually, it is not ruined at all. It is better because I get to look at why I went there- to Nutellaville. This is a time of renewal and growth. If everything moves along placidly until Easter Sunday, then I pound down an industrial sized jar of Nutella, what have I gained?
If I find out why I tend to listen to the voice that says, “c’mon, it’s just one time. It’s Nutella, it’s like a nut-butter really”, then what have I really lost?
I will take the counsel of that self-defeating voice, even when my higher inspiration is screaming to my psyche, “hey, what are you doing? You are just going to feel bad about this right after it happens- probably even while it is happening.”
Meanwhile, I am sticking to and thriving with the “spending time with God” part of my Lenten journey. I kind of think this Nutella incident is just part of my spiritual growth.
It made its point. Now, I am here, telling the truth. I am not little Miss Lent 2014, Chaste Princess of Virtue. I am just a chick, trying to connect to God, and to grow. That is all still happening.
Until next time.

Lent day one

March 6, 2014March 6, 2014 / leslietoldo.com / 4 Comments

Well, I did not do the whole Ash Wednesday, cross-on-your-forehead thing. That is just because I am not Catholic, and I didn’t think it was probably right to randomly make a cross on my head with just any old ashes. I had an imaginary cross.

I also had a major hangover. I don’t drink- gave that up 11 years ago. I am talking about from the sugar, fat and gluten bender I went on Fat Tuesday. Actually, scratch that. I have sort of been on a bender since Thanksgiving. I don’t know how it happened. It just did.

Anyway, as much as I want to pretend that these people who go on and on about how sugar is bad for everything from your psyche to your joints, are just some crazed health freaks, out to spoil everyone’s fun- they are kind of right. Seriously.

I could not even make my Day One journal entry last night because I went into delirium tremens and slipped into a sweaty night coma. Okay, well, that did not happen. I did, however, crash completely out the moment my head hit the pillow.

I was tired all day yesterday. I was off my square for sure. I was tempted to hit the vending machine at work and mainline some Skittles, but then I thought about Jesus. I did say I was going to eat clean to get closer to God.

Making that kind of promise is on a par with promising something to your Gramma- you don’t break those kind of promises. You just don’t. I know some people might be offended that I am comparing my Gramma to God. I am certain God gets it- he knows about grandmothers.

In all seriousness, it did make me feel closer to God. I am pretty sure God is busy with far more important things than keeping me from ponying up 85-cents for vending machine Skittles. I am clear that this eating clean thing is not going to change the world. I do think that, by doing this, denying myself and getting closer to God, I will maybe come closer to my own purpose, so I can play the role God wants me to in this world. We all have a purpose. Every one of us.