From the moment I lost my job, back in May, people have said some variation of the cliché’, “When one door closes, another door opens.”  In my heart of hearts, I have not only known this to be true, I have said it to other people before.  But, to be on the receiving end of these words of comfort- that are really about the only thing you can say to a friend or loved one who has lost something they dearly loved, can make you want to lance your own eardrums.

In the moments after a job loss, there is a certain degree of numbness. It doesn’t last long, though; self-pity and fear flood through the cracks around that closed door. If you allow these two emotional cancers to overtake you, they absolutely will. Fortunately, I am surrounded by good, strong people who are not about to let me be consumed. These are people who are honest enough to say, “Hey, get up, dust off, and look around you. This will all work out.”

I have been sending out resumes like a mad woman. I am on every job site in existence. It has been a real challenge to explain how my TV reporter and weather lady skills translate into the real business world. It is, sadly, very easy to get discouraged. I have been reading a lot of inspirational quotes, hoping for some magic words. I actually found a few. “Do what you love! Love what you do!” I like that. It got me thinking.  I write a couple of magazine columns. I love that. It doesn’t pay the bills and takes a lot of time, but it doesn’t feel like drudgery.

I also discovered I love doing wedding ceremonies. At first, it was just a thing to do for friends. I really love to write wedding ceremonies. I enjoy the whole process, and will put a lot of time into it, just because it is fun. I get to know my friend and his/her betrothed really well. I learn new love stories. I meet families and find more proof of just how alike we all really are. Now, I have done a few weddings for strangers, and find it just as rewarding. It takes a lot of effort, but it never feels like work. That is not how a career is supposed to feel- at least that is the impression I have always had. They call it “work” for a reason, you know.  Well, there really are people who do what they love and love what they do.

In the course of building this wedding officiant business, I accidentally discovered I enjoy doing funerals, after I was asked to officiate one for a friend. I know “enjoy” and “funeral” are not typically in the same sentence. I do not relish the pain and heartache of death, but I do consider it a privilege to celebrate a person’s life, to help their families say goodbye. I get to know more about people- their life stories- and come to appreciate them even more.

Planning ceremonies brought out another passion: helping people. I have coached couples on a few of those pesky little issues that are easy enough to remedy, with just a little objective perspective. I am not afraid to tell it like it is, which is why this sort of “coaching” has always come easily to me with my friends. Just as I was wondering if I should really consider life coaching, came another little ray of light from that slowly opening “other” door. I was asked to do quality of life classes with cancer patients. I am teaching them about journaling and getting to the heart of their feelings. They are teaching me more about living than I may ever be able to completely absorb.

The “other door” is opening. Maybe it is just a window; or, maybe this whole doors and windows closing and opening isn’t right either. It is still quite early in my journey. I do not know where exactly I am heading. Each day, it seems, another puzzle piece falls in my path. I have been pocketing them for weeks; now, it is time to find a picnic table, where I can stop for a moment and start putting the pieces together and see the emerging picture.

What I am discovering is a “calling”. I am, for the first time, truly hearing it. I think those voices have been audible for a long time, but I tuned them out. I have been giving “should” and “practical” and “you can’t do that” my full attention- they have been blaring in my headphones for years. Well, another internet quote has inspired me to change the station, if you will, “Whatever you focus on gets bigger”, or, in this case, louder. I am cranking up the volume on the voice of purpose, listening for that door to crack, or that puzzle piece to land. If I focus there, the sound will get louder and life will get bigger.

The beautiful black Labrador Retriever, pictured here, was my Taurus. He gave the world seven years of unconditional love.

Taurus was the first dog love of my life. I did not really grow up with dogs. My mom has severe allergies. So, when I moved in with my boyfriend- when I was about 24- his dog, Taurus, was part of the package.

I could not understand why this guy let A DOG sleep on the bed. I could not understand a lot of things about the bond this man had with his pet. Then, one day, I was lying in bed, crying and very down and Taurus hopped up beside me and laid his head next to mine. I started to spoon him and love on him, and some of the sadness started to fade away. When I got home from work, late at night, this big lug would greet me happily- almost as if he had been worrying he would never see me again.

When I moved to Detroit, to take a job at a TV station, Taurus and my then-husband stayed behind in Wyoming. I searched high and low for a place I could afford to rent, that would allow me to have a dog. That was back in 1995, and dog-friendly rentals were harder to come by than they seem to be these days. I found a place. The decor was not great, but the neighborhood was safe, and Taurus was allowed.

My sweet boy never made it to Michigan. Back in Wyoming, while my ex-husband was at work one day, a neighbor, with whom we had never had any interaction, slithered into our yard and shot Taurus. He took Tar’s lifeless body back to some vacant land behind our neighborhood and dumped Taurus like garbage. After searching high and low, my ex-husband learned the awful truth and we were devastated. The “man” was fined $600 and went on with his life, suffering no real punishment.

This is National Black Dog Day. There is a good reason for it, as quoted here:
“According to the official National Black Dog Day website, the day was started because “too often, black dogs are overlooked because of many stigmas such as; the color black is evil (the same stigma that cats have), black dogs do not show up as well in photographs as muti-colored or light colored dogs and black dogs look scary and intimidating because you cannot see their facial expressions as easily … This special day is devoted to creating public awareness about these beautiful, shiny fur babies that offer just as much unconditional love as any other dog and deserve just as much love back. … Please adopt a black dog and show the world how much light they have inside and out!”

It is getting close to Halloween. The sickos are out. They like to hunt down black cats and dogs and do- I don’t even want to know what- with them. Please, keep your pets safe, close, and inside when you are not home.

There was not a lick of evil in Taurus. Sure, he may have eaten a cassette tape, a couple of hampsters, an entire case of cinnamon buns, and a box of Valentine’s chocolates (on my white couch)- but who hasn’t?  He made me fall in love with dogs. He made me understand the bond. Black dogs and cats are no different from the rest. It has been a long time since I last kissed those silky black ears and looked into those big brown eyes. I will never forget him. He truly changed my life and made me a better person.

I have taken to meditating on a daily basis. There are about a zillion ways to do it: guided imagery, closing your eyes and drifting off with some “yoga class” music in the background. I have tried those. Lately, though, I just sit comfortably, eyes closed and try to empty my mind of my own thoughts- “quieting the mind” they call it. It is how some people say they hear God or whatever sort of higher power they are into- even Carl Sagan.

When I first started doing this, I heard my own voice, making a grocery list, remembering something I was pissed off about or wondering how long I had been sitting with my eyes closed. I sometimes ended up making some impossible to-do list in my brain, then starting to freak out about how I would never get it done. I can tell you, I am certainly no expert, but I am fairly certain, this is not the purpose. It sure isn’t “quieting the mind”.

It actually takes practice to clear your mind. I was taught to come up with a word to bring me back to that quiet place, when thoughts started flooding my mind. The word can be anything- love, God, mustard; I don’t think it matters. Since I started, some very cool things have happened.

Yesterday, I sat on my front porch to meditate. We live surrounded by trees. I could hear birds chatting and a squirrel building a nest. When my mind drifted, the word “be” is what brought me back. Kind of funny because that is what those little creatures were doing. They were not comparing themselves to one another. They were not wondering who had the bigger nest. They were just doing what they were made to do. They were just “being”. They each had a purpose, and seemed content. I didn’t ask them how they were feeling, so I am making assumptions; but work with me here.

Later that day, it occurred to me, that I compare myself, my life, my house, my fill-in-the blank to others’ all of the time. In fact, I think comparing and judging are almost an unconscious, constant thing a lot of humans do. The funny thing is, that kind of, often self-defeating comparison is ridiculous, and potentially damaging to our spirits. We all have a purpose, a place in this world. It is not like I looked up at the squirrel’s nest later and thought, “Man, he really rocked that. The other squirrels have been out-shined.”

I also didn’t start feeling less-than because I was not capable of scaling a tree and building a nest like that. Honestly, I do not think my comparing myself to a squirrel is much more logical than my comparing myself to my neighbor, Jessica Simpson, or the kid who makes my coffee at Tim Horton’s every morning. (He does a fantastic job, by the way.) This, for me, has become the purpose of meditation: getting a better understanding of who I am meant to be.

There are a whole bunch of people who want to tell you the right way and the wrong way to meditate, too. That is just more fuel for comparison. How about the way that works for you? That would be your way.

We were each designed for something different. There is no better or worse. The sooner we get off of that mindset, I bet, the happier most of us will be. I know it is helping me.

Now, I am off to see which mama bird made the best nest this year. They are having a contest, you know.

So simple, yet I can make it so complicated. I don’t just do this with writing, I do it with any “dare to dream” venture that comes into my head. The moment I think “I can do this,”  that negative voice will start to argue. I have to remember that is the same voice that chirped things like, “you are not an athlete. You can’t run,” while I struggled to finish my first marathon. I finished anyway.

I wanted to run, so I ran. I actually sort of meandered my way to the finish line- but I finished.  When I think, “I want to be a writer,” I could always just remind myself that I already am a writer. If I can convince myself, while I am taking a lengthy walk break that I am a runner, I can certainly trust the inner voice that tells me I am a writer. We are all writers and runners, if we say we are. We will not all win a Peabody, nor will we all qualify for the Boston Marathon.

If my only point in doing anything is proving I am the best, I might not start anything. All I have to be is the best me. I am the best runner I can be. I am the best writer I can be. At then end of the day- at the end of my life- I want to know I was the best me I could be.

Doubt is really the voice of laziness. It is the voice that says “don’t bother”, because the energy required to start seems so impossible to muster. I have a meditation book called “Start Where You Are”. That title always sort of irritated me. Anything that I can make terrifyingly complicated merely because it is profoundly simple is irritating to me. Now, I think I get it. If I start with “I am”, instead of  “I want to be”, my odds of just doing whatever “it” is are much higher.

Be what you want to be- I mean that quite literally. Decide what you are and be that. Be the best whatever-it-is you can be. Do not worry about how anyone else is doing it. Just be your best.

So, here I am… writing. I am a writer. 

T'was the Night Before Lent.