Yes, I titled this with “down, down”. Yes I am hearing “Rock Lobster” in my head, right at the part where Fred Schneider is singing “down, down” and picturing people at one of my high school dances sinking to the floor.
How? Why? What? Yes, well, perhaps it has something to do a certain Nutella and pretzel scoops incident this week. Yes, I cheated on Lent. I made a promise to God and broke it. Does it really get much worse?
Actually, yes, it does. It does get worse. It happened more than once. But, it also gets worse than cheating on God. In fact, I did not cheat on God. I did not cheat on Lent. I simply cheated myself. I broke a promise. I am not hurting God. I hurt me.
While I explore all of the underlying meanings of this violation, I can laugh at myself.
Suddenly, it all makes sense to me.
My first thought was to pretend I never even started this stupid blog and just quit updating it.
“No,” I thought, “you have done that a bunch of times. You always come back to this, so some part of you wants to do this.”
Having established that I would, in fact, update this thing, I had to figure out how to finesse this whole “cheating” thing. My knee-jerk solution: just leave it out. Yes, a nice lie by omission. Nothing screams, “spiritual growth” like dishonesty.
So, here I am, telling on myself. I am getting back on the bike and pedaling. It is not exactly the first time in my life that I have started something, and gone off course, and simply swerved back on.
Something about not doing it perfectly makes it all sort of dirty in my mind- like a dress with a spot right in the middle of it. My first reaction is that my Lent is ruined.
Actually, it is not ruined at all. It is better because I get to look at why I went there- to Nutellaville. This is a time of renewal and growth. If everything moves along placidly until Easter Sunday, then I pound down an industrial sized jar of Nutella, what have I gained?
If I find out why I tend to listen to the voice that says, “c’mon, it’s just one time. It’s Nutella, it’s like a nut-butter really”, then what have I really lost?
I will take the counsel of that self-defeating voice, even when my higher inspiration is screaming to my psyche, “hey, what are you doing? You are just going to feel bad about this right after it happens- probably even while it is happening.”
Meanwhile, I am sticking to and thriving with the “spending time with God” part of my Lenten journey. I kind of think this Nutella incident is just part of my spiritual growth.
It made its point. Now, I am here, telling the truth. I am not little Miss Lent 2014, Chaste Princess of Virtue. I am just a chick, trying to connect to God, and to grow. That is all still happening.
Until next time.
gluten
No Does Not Mean Yes!
Do you ever wonder what would happen if some new research came out and definitively proved that broccoli is really bad for you? I wonder if I would suddenly get insatiable cravings for it. What is it about the word “no” that makes my psyche want to say, “yes, yes, YES, God, yes”?
I actually did research. Okay, so I Googled “why do we want what we can’t have”. That is the modern equivalent of research, isn’t it? To think, I spent hours learning how to use the card catalogue at libraries, and I have not stepped foot in one for a good 15 years. Thank you, Google.
My “research” led me to the expected answers. I looked at several sites, but honed in on selfgrowth.com. That is where I found the following explanation.
“When something is hard to get (or forbidden) you immediately pay more attention to it. Notice that when you are on a restricted diet, you sometimes get too focused on what you “can’t” eat. This heightened attention — which can escalate into obsession — makes the forbidden food seem very important. Your inner brat takes advantage of this, and tries to convince you that you MUST have that chocolate or pizza.”
Ummmm… pizza. See? There I go. Just the though of not having it makes me want to turn this car around and get my pepperoni-hand-tossed on. (No, mom, I am not really driving and typing.) But why? Because, just as I was reading the word “pizza”, my brain said, “oh, no, girl. Pizza has gluten, you can’t have that.”
My next internal response was, “yes you can. You are an American! You can eat what you want.” My sick mind wants to turn my desire to binge-eat pizza into a patriotic event. At the end of the day, it goes back to the point the writer was making: I want what I can’t have because my focus is on what I can’t have.
Last night, I had baked chicken with green beans and brown rice. I know… control yourself. There is no such thing as McChicken with green beans. I think it probably would be hard to fit on a drive thru menu. That may really be the only reason. As I was eating, I thought, “this is good. This is better than a cheeseburger and fries.”
In my heart, I really meant that, too. I don’t know about anyone else, but I know that I have a knack for hitting the drive through during some sort of french fry vat shift change. I always get that order of fries that has some that are black on one end and still soggy on the other. Or, they are an order of fries someone brought back, and some tree-hugging kid working the drive through doesn’t want to waste food, so I reap the benefits.
My point is, when I allow myself to focus on what I can have, while trying to be healthy, it is amazing how much I do not want the things I can’t have. (I think I broke about 36 grammar rules with that sentence.)
If I can only remind myself, in those moments when I am coming up with excuses to skip a workout, or to justify eating bad food, of how good I feel when I do the healthy thing. I never get a jolt of “hell yeah” from not working out. I never feel like a super badass when I skip a run.
Can we train our brains to focus on, “yay, look what I get to do”, instead of “dang, I can’t have this”?
There is no question in my mind that going off gluten has made a major shift in my overall health. I can not even begin to describe how much healthier I feel. I have it in me to shift my focus. I know that I do.
Becoming a runner at the age of 41 took a lot of focus shifting techniques. The greatest attitude adjusting tool I have used in my short running career has been to remind myself how blessed I am to be in good enough physical health to run in the first place. I have to remember, that I quit smoking because I wanted to be a healthy person. Ultimately, that is what this is all about for me. I mean, I am relatively sure that my shot at the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition is up. I can’t just be after some weight loss and hot body goal.
So here I am, reminding myself that I get to eat my own home cooking instead of crappy, soggy fries and re-heated-in-the-microwave cheeseburgers. Oh, yeah, they do sometimes heat burgers up in the microwave. I am probably violating some sort of fast food privacy act provision, but who cares? Burger King fired me. It’s payback time, y’all.
Ultimately, this all points back to one thing: self-pity (or feeling deprived in some way) cannot coexist with gratitude. The two are mutually exclusive. In all areas of my life- not just when it comes to my goofy old health, I must focus on all of the legitimate “yes’s” around me, let all of the “no’s” be “no’s”.
Get Paid to Eat in Bed
If you could do anything you wanted and get paid, what would you do? I am doing it, right now. Writing. I actually had no idea people got paid to blog. I mean, I have learned things from blogs. I have seen some wonderfully creative blogs. It is just so fun to sit and unload words from my brain; I cannot imagine actually being paid for it.
Here is the deal: I do write for a living. Writing newsy stuff and writing about the junk that just happens to be in my head is not the same thing.
I did start this whole blog thing because I figured sitting in bed writing was a lot better than sitting in bed eating. I did not get paid to sit in bed and eat, either. Actually, that is not entirely true. I got paid in lbs. When I was a kid, I pronounced lbs, LIBS. No idea why. No matter, that was my regular paycheck for sitting in bed and eating.
So, I suppose, being paid to sit in bed and eat and write at the same time would be probably too much for me to bear.
The good news is, while I have not been writing in this “online journal” regularly enough, I am making some real progress on the not sitting in bed mindlessly eating. Now, I sit in bed with a counted out portion of gummy bears- the real Haribo kind- not those mushy, crappy buy-in-bulk bears. I make great sport out of biting their little heads off and making a screaming sound. Wow, that is just plain crazy.
I was trying to think of what I have really accomplished since I started this blog back in July. I have lost a solid 10 pounds. That, in and of itself is not that impressive, but when you consider that I have gained back a good 20, well… need I say more?
Okay, truth told, because so many people get annoyed by my self-deprecating humor, I have lost three pounds recently. I am really and truly off the gluten. I am really going about all of this in a way that I never have before.
I have always been in full-on exercise mode or obsessive about some sort of calorie count or ingredient mode. Now, I am being mindful about both. Mindful. Not obsessive. I am happy to say, that I am keeping track of my trips to the gym, and what I do while I am there. I am also keeping track of what I eat and paying close attention to how I feel during the day. I do not mean that I stop, hug a teddy bear or beat the floor with a rubber bat (a shrink made me do that once- it was super awkward). What I am paying attention to is my energy level, my overall sense of well-being.
The really zany thing is it is not normal to be exhausted all the time. It is not normal to be nauseated or have an upset stomach all of the time. It is not normal to be in pain all of the time. If you already had this figured out, yay, you! I did not. I cam to accept all of those things as part of adult life. That is sort of what I observed about adults when I was growing up. Being an adult was exhausting, painful and miserable. I could not wait to grow up, either.
I think it is easy to ignore what our bodies are trying to tell us because so many people are feeling crappy; it has become the new normal. I am not going to accept that I am supposed to feel any sort of bad way because I am in my mid 40’s. That is insane. Why on earth would anyone want to live past their mid-40’s if feeling lousy all the time was part of the deal? That is just loony.
So, here I am. I am still a little hefty. I love the word “hefty”. The vet referred to my female dog as “a little hefty” at her last checkup. Even the dog knew that was a rude thing to say.
Where were we? Oh, I am in my mid 40’s, a little hefty, with decent skin and some joint pain. BUT, I am not going to take this stuff lying down. Hey, I am all for losing weight and having a rocking body, but I want more than that. I want to feel good. I want to feel damn good. Guess what? People in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and 80’s feel good. I have met some of these people.
If you have made it to the end of this entry, you may find your mind wandering back to the beginning and think, “Leslie, you not only will never get paid to sit in bed and eat; you will never get paid to blog.”
I am good with that. I will never get paid for a lot of things. I will also never be accused of growing up and/or older miserably. I will do it gracefully. I will do it joyfully. I will also be healthy.
Until next time.
Lose 10 lbs in 5 days!!!!
(pictured left: Heartless Tramp!)
I knew that little headline would get you to read. I have no idea how to lose 10 pounds in 5 days. Well, you could cut your head off, but it would be messy, people would miss you, and you would not be around to enjoy the new you.
I am doing something new, though. I am employing the zany practice of setting small, attainable goals. It really looks even loonier in print than it sounds in my head. Of course, I did not come up with the concept. Weight loss and fitness experts, pretty much across the board, make this suggestion regularly. It just does not sound appealing to me.
Who wants to lose 5 pounds in five weeks? That is not nearly as sexy as the “transform Your Body in 8 Weeks” or “Lose 10 Lbs. In 4 weeks”, magazine-selling weight loss miracle plans.
I have to admit, I have lost 10 pounds in a week before. I did it twice, actually. The first time, it was under the guidance of Dr. Atkins. Well, I never actually talked to him, but I read his book. I went carb-less. Hey, the weight came off so fast, I was thrilled. I am not certain what flung me off the rails with that experiment.
I have more vivid memories of my second attempt at going super low-carb. South Beach was great. The pounds came off. The food was better than on Atkins, and I was doing great. In fact, I did great for a solid 6 months. Then, along came lava cake.
So, I had a piece of lava cake and, much to my delight, I woke up the next day and my weight had not gone up. In fact, my “are you expecting?” belly did not return. I felt confident. I decided I would have lava cake once a week. That also went well. Suddenly, lava cake became a daily diet staple.
The weight came back on. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking, “I got this. I will just go back on South Beach and the pounds will drop.” They did, but not like the last time. Here is the thing: when you lose 10 pounds the first week and two pounds a week the next couple of weeks, it is easy to live with a steady diet of eggs, string cheese and sugar-free pudding.
When stuff starts getting “real” and you are losing a pound a week, on a good week, it is a different story. That voice in my head that says, “that whole healthy BMI crap is a government conspiracy” or “fat is the new thin” starts to win out. I start to get defeated, and find myself in the middle of a tug of war between the part of me that knows it is not okay to put my health at risk with my weight, and part that knows that pan of brownies isn’t going to eat itself.
So, here I am, with a short, attainable goal. I am going to lose 5 pounds by my 45th birthday, February 4 (yes, this year, smart ass). I have just under four weeks.
So far, so good. I have been to the gym, following my cardio and weight training schedule faithfully all week. Yeah, I know it is only Wednesday. I am ignoring the voice that asks each morning at 6 am, “are you really going to sacrifice time with your dogs for gym time? Your dogs love you no matter what you weigh. Those gym people just want your money.”
I am also logging my food faithfully and honestly. The honestly part is the toughie. I have a tendency to rationalize leaving some items off of it. “Hey, you only ate 3/4 or that piece of cheesecake not the whole thing. You don’t need to put that down. AND, you vacuumed yesterday, you probably burned that tiny bite off.” The “portion” always seems to get smaller when I go to log something, too.
So far, I am down 3 pounds. I may exceed my goal when this four weeks is up. If I do, great. It may be the first time in my life I manage to over achieve.
I think, if I keep setting healthy goals, the occasional one-night-stand with lava cake or the like will be just that. I will not let it throw me off the rails because it might interfere with my goal. I will not marry lava cake, I will use it, and toss it to the side like the cheap… cake it is.
Till next time.
Ps for those of you who follow: if I do have some cheap tryst, it will still be gluten-free. I know I have to keep that up. My joints and my intestines insist on it.
When Lazy is Good
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(This is a photo of me and my dog, Otis, who turned 13 today. It fits the theme, and he is pretty darn cute, after all)
I cannot lie. My own laziness may be helping me succeed in ways I had never imagined possible when I started this whole not-eating-gluten experiment. Here is the thing, and I am really only giving you a watered down version of said “thing” because I am not completely clear myself on what the “thing” is when it comes to gluten. Oh, yeah, the watered down thing: you have to look up ingredients of ingredients in a lot of foods to make sure they do not contain gluten. Who has time for that? I probably do, but I am not going to do that. I will have a nervous break down (as if not eating gluteny foods isn’t going to make me snap in the first place).
I am just getting acclimated to reading ingredients on labels for the obvious, “hey, this is loaded with gut bloating gluten” information. I do not need to worry about whether percolated hypochondrial starch isolate has some kind of gluten festering within. You know? So, how does this help me succeed beyond just avoiding gluten? Well, because silly, I am eating less processed food. The fewer things on the label, the easier to understand, the more likely I am to eat them.
How cool, right?! I must be losing all kinds of weight and have an arse like Jillian Michaels and ….(insert needle scratch on record). No. I do see a difference in my shape. My tummy is less bloated. I feel better. I mean, I really feel better overall. My joints are not aching. I am sleeping better. My tummy isn’t as tumultuous. I also have more energy- just not enough more energy to read labels with more than 5 ingredients on them- that I can pronounce.
The truth is still the truth: a calorie is a calorie. They all add up the same way. If your daily pile of calories exceeds what your body needs to make it through, those calories sort of loiter around and you don’t lose weight- well, I don’t, anyway. But, I am exercising a lot more. I am trying not to get too crazy and put a specific number of pounds I want to lose out there- not today, anyway.
I was actually not tested for gluten intolerance. I read the symptoms and thought I might be. A few times, while researching gluten as a topic for my day job- ace medical reporter- I read and heard that if you go off of gluten and you feel better, chances are you have an intolerance. The real test is to then eat gluten and see what happens. Well, what happened for me was pretty icky. I felt hung over. I was very nauseated. It was not good. By “not good” I mean, kind of miraculous. I ate truffles- you know, chocolatey ones- and felt horrible and vowed never to do that again. Say what? I am still sort of in shock. My mother, who found a way to make Atkins Diet shakes higher in carbohydrate content than the ones sold at most malt shops around the nation, would be really disappointed. I did not give her any grandkids, and she is a Saints fan, so she is used to disappointment.
So, I have been on the wagon, headed away from the gluten fields for a few weeks. It really is not as bad as I thought. I can have potatoes. I can also have any number of “gluten-free” labeled products. I am trying not to get into that, because I like eating kind of clean. I feel good. Yes, I wish I could report some crazy thing about how my body is transformed and my skin glows and Tom Brady keeps calling and I have to remind him we are both married, etc. My body is getting more toned. I am feeling better. Guess what? That is because I am weight training and running.
I have been a medical reporter for roughly 20 years. I have talked to some of the great minds of medicine, diet and fitness. It all comes back to one thing, well, actually two things- diet and exercise. If you want to lose weight, what you eat is probably 80-percent of the equation. But, there is still that other 20-percent. Exercise is so good for you. I have never regretted a workout. I always feel better afterwards not because I look like the chicks in my Shape magazine, but because I did something good for myself.
I really hope I make myself read this again in the morning, when I try to talk myself out of going to the gym. I am sure if I leave myself a note, I will read this again- if I am not too lazy, you know, and hit the snooze button. Oh, wait, I have dogs, they really do not honor the whole “snooze” philosophy.
So, let’s keep fighting the good fight.
(are ya happy, Kim? This is your update.)
Inspirational lies
The really awesome thing about having your own words in print- especially on the internet, where they will be around forever- is that you can always go back and review your past musings and get a good laugh. I could cry, but I choose to laugh.
The month was August. The title: “C’s Get Degrees”. I wrote the following:
“So, when I finished weight training and a run this morning, and thought, ‘I am just going to give this everything and see what this does for me when I do that full marathon in February’, I got this twingey, awesome feeling. I am not going to let fear stand in my way. I am just going to do this- and give it my best effort.”
Hmmm. I wonder when I was planning to give it my best effort? Seems life got away from me. I thought I had not written in a couple of weeks. turns out it is going on a couple of months. Wow. So, how are things? Are you on some inspired high, accomplishing great things? I sure hope someone is.
So, I think I gained weight back. I have been “busy”. I love that word. It is so short, tidy and “busy”. It even sounds like, “I just don’t have time for anything longer than a four letter word– so much happening.” I guess I have been working. I have had some stuff going on at home.
Nope, I think the four letter word I am grasping for is lazy.
I am being hard on myself. I have not been lazy at the grocery store, while visiting TJ Maxx specifically to buy chocolate (they have great stuff, by the way), or when going out for ridiculous lunches. Oh, sure I start the day logging in my Livestrong food journal. I go to the gym and bang out runs. I most certainly have not given my best effort to this whole marathon training/being healthy thing. I haven’t been getting on the scale either. My psyche views it as some sort of Kryptonite.
I decided to come back here for some inspiration. What went wrong the past two months? Why do I keep going on food “benders”. There has to be a reason. I keep hearing all of the great voices of trainers past saying things like, “you either want this or your don’t. You aren’t going to mess up my life if you don’t stick with this.” I read my own snarky, enlightened words and it is as if someone else wrote them. Maybe I have an evil twin- wait, maybe I am the evil twin.
Why would I write such truthful and un-motivational crap in my positive-life-changes blog? Because it is the truth. I am not going to spew unicorns and rainbows out of my arse just because it is what I should be doing. I will never understand why I have such a struggle with food. In order for me to lie in this little blog- to you- I have to lie to me first. Why do that?
So, what happens next? Well, I am taking a first step now. I have some thinking to do. I am making some changes. They involve sugar and gluten. I am really not trying to jump on a nutty bandwagon with the gluten thing. I have been diagnosed with chronic fatigue. I have arthritis. I have some stomach issues that I don’t need to go into here. Use your imagination- just don’t be really gross, because it isn’t “really” gross. I have learned that gluten can do all of the above to your system.
The good news is, if I ditch the gluten, and I am not diagnosed with a disorder, the change will not hurt me. I guess Gluten is not something we humans really need in our bodies. I do feel crappy a lot. I guess I will try this. This whole thing could get really fun. Maybe I will diagnose myself with something else in a couple of months. Who knows. I am just going at this thing a day at a time- even a month at a time.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers- but I sure do have a lot of questions. I am not giving up hope. I just hope the “twingey” feeling I had in the previously above mentioned exert from a past blog will come back. It took me a good 7 attempts to quit smoking. I guess this food crap started way before I started smoking. Maybe it will just be harder to make these changes.
Anyway, I am going to attempt to get back on track- guess I need to make sure I can find the track.
So, till we meet again, my friends.
Love Your Life 