Emptying bowls, and bags of chips, and… oh you get the idea!

September 28, 2012September 28, 2012 / leslietoldo.com / 3 Comments

(The bowls, pictured above, are from a fundraiser for the Food Bank of Eastern Michigan. They were all made and donated by local artists. You buy a bowl, you eat all of the soup you want for $15. The soup was provided by local restaurants. No, they do not have much to do with today’s post, but aren’t they pretty?)

I found myself wanting to write, but thinking that I am not “inspired enough” right now. Read: I don’t have a bunch of unicorns and fairies floating through my brain. I don’t have the 10 magic steps to happiness and fulfilment to offer. I do have reality. That was supposed to be the point of this whole blogging venture. Right? Junk I think is not always inspired at awesome. Sometimes it is the uninspired and un-awesome that I need to pay the most attention to. My personal bout of “crazy” has something to teach me.

So, this is where I am. I am still in love with running in the rain- or running anywhere. But I am in a bit of quicksand this week. I am a little restless. By restless I mean, up at midnight eating Funions, Salt and Vinegar Lays and Fruity Snacks. I do not really even like any of them. They were there. I was feeling anxious. You get the idea.

That little moment of avoiding the real issue was a great follow-up to the 36 bowls of soup I had at a fundraiser for the Food Bank of Eastern Michigan, called “Empty Bowls”. Oh, I emptied some bowls alright. So, maybe I did not eat 36, but I ate four. Yes, FOUR! Where was all of my, “damn I’m good and healthy” bravado that I was waving around earlier in the week?

While the lbs scale and the fat scale slowly continue to trek downward, it is not fast enough for me. I took my measurements and had lost only about two inches- across my entire body- over two weeks. Never mind how differently my clothes are fitting. It is all about cold, hard numbers right?

Here is the thing, it is- and it isn’t. I have been working pretty hard and keeping up with a training plan, except for this week. I got in two great runs, but I skipped my weight training because I spent the time I could have been weight training weighing out whether I actually had time to squeeze in some weight training. Any time I start doing that is a good time for me to stop and ask, “hey, chick, what is wrong? Do you want to do this or don’t you?” No one is holding a gun or anything else to my head. I made a choice to get healthy. I am either in or I am not. Period.

Skipping the things that I know make me feel great- like the workouts – and then doing things that I know will make me feel bad, like pounding down Funions et. all- are signs that I need to be honest with myself. About what is really floating through my kooky little brain. Something has to be off, especially since I specifically schedule time and set my alarm so that I will be able to fit in workouts. I specifically do not buy snacks I love so that I will not go on midnight benders.

I am trying to get healthy, not win a body building contest. Still, there is a voice in my head telling me that things are not happening fast enough. A friend posted yesterday that she had lost 23 pounds. I am sincerely happy for her, but wondering why is it going so slowly for me. The answer is simple: because it is. Comparing myself and my progress to anyone else’s is a recipe for failure.

Maybe my friend did not go and empty a bunch of bowls at the Empty Bowls event. Maybe she did not power-eat snack food she did not like last night. Maybe she has been at it longer than me. Maybe, when she is not feeling inspired, or feels like sabotaging her own efforts she stops and listens and tries to understand why Funions seem like such a great idea right now.

Running in the rain? Just do it!

September 26, 2012 / leslietoldo.com / 2 Comments

There is something so cool about running in the rain.

Wait. Who just wrote that? I am checking myself to see if I have a fever. It is not because I just ran in the rain (I did). It is really because I expressed deep love for doing that. It is genuine, though.

The first time I ever ran in the rain we were in San Antonio on vacation. Hang on a second. Who just wrote that? Who ran or did any intentional exercise while on vacation? Who am I? I am a person who found something I love to do.

I digress. It was July. San Antonio is hot all of the time, but in July it is really a whole, new dimension of heat. I woke up early, specifically to get in a training run. My husband looked at me like I was insane. He was a little concerned about me running in this unfamiliar city, early in the morning, in the rain. And, he thought I was crazy.

I did it anyway. Sure, I didn’t know where I was going. Sure, I was slow. Sure, I was a new at running, and a little less than graceful. It was like my own personal little “just do it” ad.

I splashed through puddles. It was exhilarating. People looked at me as though I had lost my mind. Each time I got one of those glares, I just imagined the person was giving me a high-five. There were plenty of people who smiled that “good for you” smile. I was clearly a klutzy athlete, but one who had found my bliss. It was great.

When I returned to the room, soaked to the bone, my husband gave me a “high-five” look. It was okay by me. Runners high? Maybe. I also realized in that moment that I did not have to be the best at, or even great at something to love it. The joy came from me doing things I said I would never do- more importantly, things I had always believed I could never do. Sure I could.

All I have to do is lace up and hit the pavement. I have a choice. I can see the dirty looks and feel the rain beating down on me. Or, I can see high-fives and feel the rain washing over me. I get to experience how I see the world around me.

This wonderful memory came to me as I ran through drizzle this morning. I actually just before, when I had an, “I can run now, it’s all drizzly and cold” moment. Then, I remembered San Antonio. As I hit my stride, the Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” came on my shuffled iPod. One line stuck out: “I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now”. That’s what I did. I tuned out all of the “I can’t change” lyrics in that song and let the rain wash over me.

Don’t Miss the Boat

September 19, 2012September 19, 2012 / leslietoldo.com / 1 Comment

So, yeah, you could say it has been a while since I wrote a new installment. How does that happen? Well, I can’t speak for you, but for me, it is about procrastination which is actually just “lazy” with more syllables.

I receive an uplifting message in my email every day from a Kabbalist named Yehuda Berg. I do not practice this particular spiritual path, per se. I just love what the guy has to say. He actually sends the emails to anyone who requests them, not just to me. I didn’t meet him in rehab or anything like that. He has a blog- one he keeps up with much better than I have been keeping up with mine. I’ve been keeping up with the Kardashians better than I’ve been keeping up with my blog.

Today’s Yehuda installment is a doozy:

“Carrie Fisher once wrote, ‘Instant gratification takes too long.’
It’s a funny quote, but it’s the way a lot of us feel and it leads us to pacify our desires with short-term fulfillment, delaying all our dreams from coming true. Instead of waiting for our soul mate, we settle for someone who is good enough. Instead of putting a few hours a day into making our dream job or a promotion manifest, we become complacent with the position that merely pays the bills.
Where are you substituting your birth right with a short-term fix?
It’s time to start thriving instead of merely surviving.”

Ouchy, ouch, ouch! So much here to think about. This is what I do. Even with a silly blog that I started for the exact reason- I did not want to become complacent about life. I love to write. This is a perfect venue. Actually, any venue, including the back of a napkin will work. I get caught up in the mundane. I’m not just caught up in it, I am wound up in it, like a fish in a net.

Making healthy changes in life is all about just that: making the changes. No one ever finished a novel by talking about finishing it. They actually did it.

I am not certain if writing a novel or becoming more healthy in every aspect of life is a “birth-right” as ole Yehuda put it. I actually do not like that expression at all. I don’t believe in birth-rights. I think too many things feel like they belong to us or are somehow owed to us just because we exist. Nothing worthwhile is ever just handed to anyone. I know this because I have had so many things handed to me. I have not appreciated many of them.

Wow, that is a lot of honesty for a Wednesday morning. Bottom line, I am either going to do (insert thing I say I am going to do here) or I am not. If not, move on, stop talking and thinking about “one day when I (fill in the blank)”. My one day is now.

Ps the scale has stopped moving. Actually, the lbs part of the scale has stopped for a bit. I have, however, lost body fat. I have a body fat scale. I do not put a lot of stock in its accuracy, but the little “F” number is dropping. I will take it.

So, now, I have to ask myself, “am I missing another boat today, like the cartoon dinosaurs, because I am all caught up eating trees or something boring like that? Am I missing the best part of life while I am zeroing in on the most mundane?”

Tidings of Comfort… Food

September 2, 2012September 2, 2012 / leslietoldo.com / 2 Comments

“Great job! Here are some donuts!”

“Sorry for your loss. Have some cake.”

“Thank you for watering my plants. Enjoy this candy.”

“Awesome! You lost 5 pounds! How about a celebratory pizza?”

You name the emotion, situation, or circumstance- nothing says whatever it is quite like food. Are we sure the three wise men did not bring Jesus a Happy Meal? How did food get to be all things, from comfort to congratulations?

Just so we are clear: I have never turned away the food. I can’t. In fact, I will eat this food, especially if it is strategically located on a desk or credenza at work- even if it is something I do not like. Why? Because it is there. Who turns down free food? Sadly, I don’t. Someone could send over a trough of those creepy orange “Circus Peanut”, styrofoam-esque candies and I would eat them because they are readily available.

I am not blaming the people who provide these seemingly endless celebratory, or otherwise gift-oriented, treats. I am the one who is mindlessly eating the stuff. It is me. These generous benefactors do not include greeting cards suggesting I, or anyone else, simply “forget” to include these snacks in our food journals.

It is something in my mind that tells me that this sort of grazing is nothing- little nibbles that do not really add up to anything in the grand scheme of my daily net 1400 calorie count.

Think again. I tracked a recent day’s gifted impulse indulgences. Handful of potato chips, 100 calories. Half of a chocolate bar, 140 calories.

A quarter- no wait, I’ll go back for one more bite. Oh, make that two. Oh, damnit! I’ll eat the whole donut. It will just go to waste, if I don’t. No one will eat it now that it has been mangled. All of those poor kids in faraway lands who do not have free donuts at work. Cha-ching another 500 calories.

The inconsequential total turns out to be painfully significant: 740 calories.

It would be one thing if this happened occasionally, but it doesn’t. There is always someone who is grateful for something, sad about something, happy about something, sympathetic about something and wants to feed you until you feel it too.

It is the thought that counts. The funny thing about food as reward, thank you, gift, etc, is that it takes almost no thought. I am guilty. If I do not know what sort of trinket to get for a birthday or housewarming- you are getting chocolate.

Wow. This is rant. If you have ever given me food as a gift, I assure you, I loved it. I devoured it. I was so grateful for it. Now, cut it out.